Dear Birth Mother

Dear Birth Mother...where ever you are ---

41 years ago today we were together.  Not for long...but we were together.  It's so hard to believe that there was ever an "us". 

You made a tough decision.

I hope that decision was good for you.

I hope that decision allowed you to find love.  I hope that you had more babies and got to experience the amazing journey of being a Mama.  I hope that you have enjoyed and relished snuggling with your babies.  I hope that you have lived your life without regrets.  I hope you are happy.

...Because your decision was good for me.

I've been loved and have found love.  I've had babies and am so thankful for being a Mama.  I treasure every snuggle I get from my children.  I try hard to live my life without regrets.  And I am happy.

Thank you for giving me my life.  And the amazing life I was rewarded with after your decision.  Where ever you are... I hope you know that I am thankful.  Happy Birthday to "us"...

Long ass flight...

11:32pm Friday MN / 1:32pm Sat Korea

Ok. 13 1/2 hours in a plane is just mean. And why the hell didn't I upgrade to first class? (I don't want to hear it, Philip!) If ever it would be worth the money...it would be this trip. Maybe on the way home?? Trying to sleep upright is just not happening. 

This plane is ginormous. First class is on the 2nd level. I should be up there! It's amazing anything this huge can orbit into the sky. Seriously...that still is absolutely inspiring to me. 

I told Olivia that we are very special travelers this journey and that we were princesses and people would be watching us so we had to behave really well. Was it a cheap ploy to wear a pretty tiara? Ah...that doesn't sound like me at all! ;) C'mon people...I may be an emotional mess this trip but let's not get it too twisted. ;)

(Princess J, Princess Olivia, and Princess Noel)

4 1/2 more hours and I'll once again be on the soil that I spent the first 21 months of my life on. It didn't really hit me until I was talking to Brad from the airport and he said, "Oh my Gawd, Jen...you're going to Mother F*cking Korea!!". My Gawd....I. Am. Going. To. Mother. F*cking. Korea!!! It still doesn't seem quite real. I've dreamt of this for so long. 

I guess I'll take this tiara off and hope that  sleep finds me...even if just for a nice cat nap. 

Love and Joy,

J

How to be a Korean Woman

Within days of finding out the updates of my Korean adoption file, my friend told me that "How to be a Korean Woman" was playing at the Guthrie.  It felt like so many things were telling me to continue with this search.  

Last night Brad and I met my friend (and Korea travel-mate), Noel, and her husband for dinner and the one woman play.

(Noel and I at the Guthrie)

The play was amazing and spoke to me immediately.  I started crying within 30 seconds of it starting.  Perhaps it resonated with me because of where I am in this search process.

The actress, Sun Mee Chomet, goes through her experience of searching, finding, and meeting her birth family...and what happens afterwards.  And after the 85 minute play we saw a special screening of a documentary film, Going Home, of another adoptee (Jason Hoffman) and his experience with the same. His documentary brought you along on the ride of actually meeting his birth mother and birth sister...it was beyond emotionally exhausting.  My eyes are still swollen.  The flood gates that I've tried to hard to protect and keep at bay have now been opened.  Oh boy.

It was so interesting though, because so much of what they said and felt are feelings that I share.  You know...it's so easy to feel overwhelmed and alone...but in most cases we aren't.  There is someone else that feels that way or is going through the same questions about their life.

Both of them talked about the overwhelming feeling of wanting to meet their birth mom especially...and just wanting to see their face (a face that looks like your own) and to have some answers.  And both of their journeys reminded me of how there is a person at the end of this story...at the end of the journey...that has their own story and pain.  There is a mother who gave their child up for adoption and had to live with the shame and guilt ...and heartache of giving away their baby.  There were mothers who cried for months unable to move past their grief.  It made my heart ache in a different way.

Both of them also talked about how this experience isn't over.  Even after meeting their birth mothers...the journey is not over.  And sometimes left them feeling more lonely than ever because meeting them didn't necessarily resolve anything.  There is still a long history of distance between basically two strangers who only know each other through a delivery experience and blood.

But in that sense...I am blessed.  

No matter where this journey leads and what happens...I have the support, love, and need from a family that loves me.  And I have this man...who though he can't understand the range of emotions that envelopes me now... he supports me through it and holds me closely when I need it.

Yes, I am blessed.

I leave 11 days from now... I hope I'm ready for this...

Love and Joy,

J

Sisterhood

There is kind of an unspoken bond between adoptees. It's hard to explain but it's just a secret understanding of a lifetime full of ranges of emotion.  And while we are not all in agreement about how we feel about our adoptions...there is still a very unique bond.

I'll be honest... Friday was a completely overwhelming day for me.  I wasn't sure how to process everything.  My lifelong question of "Why" was finally answered...and the woman who gave birth to me suddenly became a person.  With a name!  And to top all of that off... Dillon (adoption agency) and Eastern were "eager" to begin the search for her.  I still don't know how I feel about the search.  I just figure I have time to figure it out...and the likelihood of finding her is so slim that it may never be something I need to deal with.

The paperwork to begin the search was quite in depth, including a questionnaire asking me to give explanation of what I would do and how I would feel on many deep questions, including:  What would you do if you found out your mother was raped?  What if your birth parents were found but they did not want to meet you?  What if your birth parents are dead?  What if you have siblings?  And then they ask you to write a letter to your birth parents. My gosh. That was a tough letter to write. Again... I'm still very unsure of how I feel about all of this. I muddled through the letter and basically decided to thank them for giving me the opportunity for the wonderful life I've led so far. And told them of the happy childhood I had and the love I've been given from a generous couple. I told them of the beautiful family I have created and the love and support that surrounds from family and friends all over the world. That letter will most likely never reach them... But if it does, hopefully I can put any guilt or shame at rest for them. 

Dillon provided me with several references of people who have been through the search process and I noticed one was a woman, Kari, from MN.  With Brad's encouragement I sent her a note. I was surprised to get a relatively quick and lengthy response just a few hours later. She was so open in her response that I felt immediately comforted by her and within a few more emails we decided to meet for dinner on Saturday. 

Dinner was incredible. From the minute we sat down to an extended talk in the empty parking lot... There wasn't a moment of silence. We chatted like old friends that couldn't wait to catch up for our 5 1/2 hour dinner! Our conversation was a flurry of thoughts, questions, and similarities from one adoptee to another. We talked about our families, our childhoods, our children, our supporters... And of our biggest common bond... we talked about Korea. Kari, thank you so much for your willingness to share your story with me. I know I've made a new lifelong friend... A Seoul sista from another mista. ;)

Needless to say my mind was racing again trying to digest it all. It has been such an intensely emotionally charged last few days. Somehow I've kept my composure. Probably for the simple fear that if I allow myself to cry... I'm not sure I'll know how to stop. I think once I've had a little more time to digest it all, some peace will come from within. 

What happens now? Nothing. Eastern starts their search. I continue to live my life and prepare for my big trip. I'm generally a "need to know" person and usually struggle with being patient, but in this case... The unknown is familiar and comfortable for me. So I'll just embrace the unknown for now. Korean social culture is still very traditional and old school and wrapped in shame and guilt. In the small chance that they find my birth mother, she will have hopefully found love and created a family. And if they don't know about my existence, it is very likely that she will keep it that way out of shame. How will I feel if that is the case? I have no freaking clue. So again... I will just embrace the warm blanket of the unknown where no tough decisions need to be made and there are no hurt feelings.

Thanks to all of you that are supporting me through this journey. It means so much to me to have people who not only take interest in my crazy world, but care. I hope you are ready for this emotional journey. I'm not even sure if I am! :)

Love and joy,

J