Gifts

Gift giving is very much a part of the Korean culture, so in preparation for my trip I've got to consider my friend's family who we will be staying with, a few people at Eastern (the President and my case worker, Ms Park), a few translators who will help my friend and I communicate with her non-English speaking family, and some just extras.  All in all...about 10 women and 10 men.

I've got 3 weeks until my trip (Oh my gosh!), work travel in between, and I don't like waiting until the last minute...so my new fellow adoptee friend, Kari, was nice enough to join me at the Mall of America for some gift shopping last weekend.  In my head I thought this cannot be that difficult.  WRONG!  It's very hard to shop within a manageable budget for people whom you have not met.  Perhaps if I wasn't a borderline perfectionist freak it wouldn't have been so hard...but we spent 4 hours shopping and I got the women done and a 4 year old boy. I still have 9 men to go.  My original idea was to get different things for everyone, but that quickly became very daunting so I settled with similar gifts for all the women.  As for the men...ARGH.  And this is all coming from a woman who generally likes to shop.  So, the search continues for my men gifts.  Stay tuned on that front.

Other than that... my emotions are suddenly catching up to me.

I brought my parents up to speed last weekend on all that I've learned over the past month.  They were very supportive about everything.  It could have been the fact that I started crying (seriously?!), but my dad said it best... It is very natural for anyone to want to find out more about their roots.  They are amazing people and I am so blessed that we found each other.  Many things had to happen for us to become a family and I am very lucky that they all transpired and we were chosen for each other.

I met my travel-mate (and friend), Noel, yesterday for lunch.  It was good to catch up and to talk about her experiences in Korea (she's been over multiple times since her birth family found her).  I'm a relatively emotional person, but I'm not really a crier.  I find it embarrassing to cry...even in front of my family.  Now, if I hit any emotion to an extreme...my first reaction is to cry, but I still hate it.  Yet, Noel said something at lunch and I really had to work hard to not start to cry.  What is happening to me?!  ARGH...I think I'd better pack lots of Kleenex.

Not much else to report.  I got my meeting at Eastern moved up to Tuesday (rather than Thursday) to give me a few extra days to process any new information I may learn while over there.  Since my appointment is at 10am, we will probably plan a touristy day in Seoul that day.  I'm really looking forward to seeing the sites.  

The next 3 weeks will fly by...I'll be in CO for 4 days next week and in IL for 3 the following week.  Lots to do still before I leave.  If anyone has seen what I pack for a 3 day work trip...it's going to be interesting how packing for this week abroad will be like.  Good lawd.  But, I've been warned to pack light.  And I don't have my work or real husband around to carry my luggage, so I should probably heed that advice since I'll be lugging it myself.  Oh boy!  ;)

Love and Joy,
J

Sisterhood

There is kind of an unspoken bond between adoptees. It's hard to explain but it's just a secret understanding of a lifetime full of ranges of emotion.  And while we are not all in agreement about how we feel about our adoptions...there is still a very unique bond.

I'll be honest... Friday was a completely overwhelming day for me.  I wasn't sure how to process everything.  My lifelong question of "Why" was finally answered...and the woman who gave birth to me suddenly became a person.  With a name!  And to top all of that off... Dillon (adoption agency) and Eastern were "eager" to begin the search for her.  I still don't know how I feel about the search.  I just figure I have time to figure it out...and the likelihood of finding her is so slim that it may never be something I need to deal with.

The paperwork to begin the search was quite in depth, including a questionnaire asking me to give explanation of what I would do and how I would feel on many deep questions, including:  What would you do if you found out your mother was raped?  What if your birth parents were found but they did not want to meet you?  What if your birth parents are dead?  What if you have siblings?  And then they ask you to write a letter to your birth parents. My gosh. That was a tough letter to write. Again... I'm still very unsure of how I feel about all of this. I muddled through the letter and basically decided to thank them for giving me the opportunity for the wonderful life I've led so far. And told them of the happy childhood I had and the love I've been given from a generous couple. I told them of the beautiful family I have created and the love and support that surrounds from family and friends all over the world. That letter will most likely never reach them... But if it does, hopefully I can put any guilt or shame at rest for them. 

Dillon provided me with several references of people who have been through the search process and I noticed one was a woman, Kari, from MN.  With Brad's encouragement I sent her a note. I was surprised to get a relatively quick and lengthy response just a few hours later. She was so open in her response that I felt immediately comforted by her and within a few more emails we decided to meet for dinner on Saturday. 

Dinner was incredible. From the minute we sat down to an extended talk in the empty parking lot... There wasn't a moment of silence. We chatted like old friends that couldn't wait to catch up for our 5 1/2 hour dinner! Our conversation was a flurry of thoughts, questions, and similarities from one adoptee to another. We talked about our families, our childhoods, our children, our supporters... And of our biggest common bond... we talked about Korea. Kari, thank you so much for your willingness to share your story with me. I know I've made a new lifelong friend... A Seoul sista from another mista. ;)

Needless to say my mind was racing again trying to digest it all. It has been such an intensely emotionally charged last few days. Somehow I've kept my composure. Probably for the simple fear that if I allow myself to cry... I'm not sure I'll know how to stop. I think once I've had a little more time to digest it all, some peace will come from within. 

What happens now? Nothing. Eastern starts their search. I continue to live my life and prepare for my big trip. I'm generally a "need to know" person and usually struggle with being patient, but in this case... The unknown is familiar and comfortable for me. So I'll just embrace the unknown for now. Korean social culture is still very traditional and old school and wrapped in shame and guilt. In the small chance that they find my birth mother, she will have hopefully found love and created a family. And if they don't know about my existence, it is very likely that she will keep it that way out of shame. How will I feel if that is the case? I have no freaking clue. So again... I will just embrace the warm blanket of the unknown where no tough decisions need to be made and there are no hurt feelings.

Thanks to all of you that are supporting me through this journey. It means so much to me to have people who not only take interest in my crazy world, but care. I hope you are ready for this emotional journey. I'm not even sure if I am! :)

Love and joy,

J