We all slept really good last night and it was much needed for the day that was in store for me.
The weather outside is cloudy and rainy…and appropriate.
I forced myself to eat some breakfast but my stomach was queazy in anticipation for my meeting at Eastern at 10am.
(Picture of Eastern Social Services office. Note the banner message)
We got there exactly at 10am, but there was a small delay in our meeting so one of the social workers asked us if we wanted a tour of the nursery. Naturally we did. That tour will probably change my life forever. It was like coming full circle from the last time I was in Seoul. Tears escaped the minute I walked in the room and saw of the sweet little bodies and faces like mine.
A Caucasian woman who was with 4 Korean kids and her husband approached me. She saw my tears and tried to comfort me. She said she did the same thing the first time she came through the nursery years ago.
We couldn't take pictures or touch the babies. They said to hold them we would need special aprons but they didn't have enough at the time.
There had to be about 15-20 small infants and another 15+ babies less than a year old. The social worker explained to us that the Korean adoption laws changed about a year ago which has changed the process a lot. Babies stay in the system for about a year as they go through the system. They are understaffed and in need of volunteers to help especially with the small infants. It was such a helpless feeling to see the newborns wiggle and cry and not to be able to comfort them. And my heart wanted so much to hold them, load them with kisses, and to tell them that life was going to get better for them.
They, in fact, are the lucky ones. I asked the question...and the answer will now haunt me forever. I asked what were some of the biggest changes in the new adoption law. The response was that parents now have to give a lot of information about themselves before they can put a child up for adoption. They've done this to protect the adoptees who later in life want to find out about their past. The challenge is now the people that are too ashamed to consent to the extensive paperwork are left with no choice but to really abandon their child. So much so that they now have abandon baby bins. Think about this… baby bins. You put your child in a bin and walk away. My heart can't take the thought of that. And to add to this sad story... If proper paperwork is not filled out and you are abandoned, you cannot be adopted out. That child is left to grow up as an orphan in the system. Even as I type I can't help the flow of tears.
When we left the room I completely lost it and just wept. I wept because I was once one of those babies in the rows and rows of cribs full of other babies. I wept because it hurt to see crying babies with not enough people to comfort them. and I wept because babies are being left in bins because their parents can't care for them and now there is too much red tape to put your child up for adoption without shame being brought on your family.
Ol-Kay grabbed me and hugged me and we wept together. It was one moment in time that I'll never forget.
The rest of the day I found that I was having an inner struggle within myself. My self-protection mode has always been to take difficult memories, put them in a box, and store them away somewhere deep within myself. I know it's not exactly healthy and those memories do tend to fall off the shelf and smack me upside the head sometimes. But, I also wanted to remember every detail of the day. Because while it was it was difficult and emotional… it was an important day.
After I was able to compose myself I met Ms Park. She was just as sweet as Kari told me she was.
(Ms Park and myself)
She explained that she didn't have enough room for all of us to meet, but Noel and I wonder if she might have been concerned that Ol-Kay and Chagen-Opah would have seen information that she could not share.
Noel, Olivia, and I followed her in to a small conference room and she went to grab my Korean file. It was a manila folder that really wasn't that thick. She explained that Dillon was established in 72' or 73', so I was one of the first adoption cases that went through their program and back that long ago they weren't as organized with information as they are now.
Much of the information was information that I have copies of from my US file, but the new information I did learn was that I was born at 2:30pm on 3/20/73. When you are adopted many times the date is estimated, but it was confirmed that 3/20 is indeed my birthday, but not only that…they had my time of birth and that I weighed 2.5 kilograms (7.7 pounds). The file also had not only my birth mother's name, but also my birth father's name. He was in the Korean Army and both of their last names were Kim. Unless my father was mixed with something else…I am full blooded Korean. Contrary to the intake notes from the orphanage and most everyone else who has their own suggestions for what I'm mixed with. I forgot to ask was if my birth mother named me or if the orphanage did is. Many of these details I had to ask to get. I don't think they realize how important how even what would seem like small insignificant details are so important to us.
I also learned that the midwives clinic's address where I was born was in an area called Bogwangdong (near Itaewon) in Seoul. She couldn't give me the address, but the midwives clinic has since closed anyways. She gave me a map of Seoul and marked the area I was born, the orphanage, and where Eastern is now. It was helpful to see all of this information.
I tried to get the names of my birthparents several times but by law she couldn't give it to me. She said she would make a request with the KAS (Korean Adoption Society) who works with the Korean government to get permission, but it was highly unlikely they would agree.
In my file was a letter written by my birth mother stating some brief information about who she was and that she could not afford to care for me and therefore was relinquishing me to the care of the Midwives clinic to be put up for adoption. She signed this on 3/22/73…2 days after I was born. I'm not sure if she held me or got to see me, but she was at the midwives clinic for 2 days recovering before she left. I asked to take a picture of the letter. I told her it was probably the closest I would ever be to my birth mother and she said it had her name and my birth father's name on it, but she would be willing to make a copy and cover the information I couldn't have. I left with a copy of the letter. It's not a lot…but it was written by the woman who gave birth to me. It's something.
My file also had my post adoption forms which I had never seen. They were reviews written by someone doing a post adoption home study and some of the comments were very enduring. Saying that I was a very happy thriving child and how my parents were so in love with me and how happy they were and wished to adopt another child from Korea (which they later did). Ms Park told me I could get copies of those reports from Dillon.
After the review of my file, Ms Park gave us a tour of the rest of the facility. She also explained to us that they have a division that helps single moms now. They had a cafe called "Eastern cafe" that employs single moms to help them learn some vocational skills. I was touched by this. It's nice to know that there are services that try to give mothers a choice and tries to help them keep their children if at all possible.
When we were preparing to leave we ran into the same Caucasian woman who spoke to me in the nursery. Her family was from Arizona and she brought her 4 Korean adopted children with her. I was crying again (my day involved many tears) and she once again tried to comfort me. I can't remember what her question was but I told her this was my first trip back. She said, "Oh, is this your first adoption?" and I explained to her that I wasn't adopting. I was the one adopted. And her eyes filled with tears and though I can't remember her exact words now…she basically told me how grateful she was for the 4 Korean adoptees she had and how much they had changed her life. One of her Korean daughters was standing with her and I touched her arm and told her that her Mom was a special person and she was blessed to have her. It was a nice way to end the experience like that.
After we left Eastern's facility Chagen-Opah and Ol-Kay treated us to a tour boat ride on the river downtown Seoul. I was able to take some nice pictures but it was bittersweet as it was rainy and time to reflect on what had just transpired that morning. I again found myself crying.
Despite having an emotional day...I was surrounded by good people and felt very blessed to have such great support and comfort.
(Noel, myself, and Ol-Kay)
(Danielle and Olivia. Danielle insisted on posing like this. He cracks me up!)
After the boat ride Noel suggested we try to find the area of my birth and it turned out that we were very close. We stopped and I took some pictures. Because I didn't have the actual address… I took a picture of a random door. I guess any door in that area could have been the door to the location of where I was born.
We were trying to find the area of where the orphanage was but I think we were all getting tired (it was close to 4pm by then) and I told them to please not worry about it and we should go home.
Ol-Kay has such a big and kind heart. She called a friend of hers that speaks some English and put me on the phone with her. Her friend told me that Ol-Kay was very sad for me and that she was sorry that I could not get enough information to help me find my birth parents. She wanted her friend to comfort me. I am very touched by the kindness I've experienced here.
There are little options now with respect to a continued search. They all involve social media, TV, Youtube, and the like. I'm conflicted with how I feel about it. I am not sure I want to keep this painful process open with such little chances of a reconnection.
Chagen-Opah is now reviewing my adoption file. There are some pages that have all Korean in it…perhaps he'll see something that new information.
Do me a favor. Hug your children and/or your parents tightly tonight. As I continue to learn…blood is important. Family is important. Don't take it for granted. I'm cyber hugging my parents and children/husband tonight.
Love and Joy,
J
(edit: I uploaded pictures from the camera, so will be adding pictures to this and other posts)
The meaning of Chuseok (Hangawi)