Within days of finding out the updates of my Korean adoption file, my friend told me that "How to be a Korean Woman" was playing at the Guthrie. It felt like so many things were telling me to continue with this search. Last night Brad and I met my friend (and Korea travel-mate), Noel, and her husband for dinner and the one woman play.
The play was amazing and spoke to me immediately. I started crying within 30 seconds of it starting. Perhaps it resonated with me because of where I am in this search process.
The actress, Sun Mee Chomet, goes through her experience of searching, finding, and meeting her birth family...and what happens afterwards. And after the 85 minute play we saw a special screening of a documentary film, Going Home, of another adoptee (Jason Hoffman) and his experience with the same. His documentary brought you along on the ride of actually meeting his birth mother and birth sister...it was beyond emotionally exhausting. My eyes are still swollen. The flood gates that I've tried to hard to protect and keep at bay have now been opened. Oh boy.
It was so interesting though, because so much of what they said and felt are feelings that I share. You know...it's so easy to feel overwhelmed and alone...but in most cases we aren't. There is someone else that feels that way or is going through the same questions about their life.
Both of them talked about the overwhelming feeling of wanting to meet their birth mom especially...and just wanting to see their face (a face that looks like your own) and to have some answers. And both of their journeys reminded me of how there is a person at the end of this story...at the end of the journey...that has their own story and pain. There is a mother who gave their child up for adoption and had to live with the shame and guilt ...and heartache of giving away their baby. There were mothers who cried for months unable to move past their grief. It made my heart ache in a different way.
Both of them also talked about how this experience isn't over. Even after meeting their birth mothers...the journey is not over. And sometimes left them feeling more lonely than ever because meeting them didn't necessarily resolve anything. There is still a long history of distance between basically two strangers who only know each other through a delivery experience and blood.
But in that sense...I am blessed.
No matter where this journey leads and what happens...I have the support, love, and need from a family that loves me. And I have this man...who though he can't understand the range of emotions that envelopes me now... he supports me through it and holds me closely when I need it.
Yes, I am blessed.
I leave 11 days from now... I hope I'm ready for this...
Love and Joy,
J
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