It was worth a try...

On Jan 9th I received notice that they did indeed send a 2nd telegram to the woman believed to be my birth mother.  They wanted to wait until after the holidays to ensure they didn't cause this woman distress during the holiday season.

Jan called me this afternoon to give me an update that the woman responded to the telegram and spoke with Ms Park.  She is not my birth mother.  This is the end of the road, I'm afraid.  Jan was very kind and told me she wanted to call me personally to tell me this news and to tell me how she knows this journey has been an emotional roller coaster and that she's enjoyed working with me.  She's such a kind woman...and truly she was meant for her job.

Ms Park was very sweet to add a note that she is sure that wherever my birth mother is...she is sure she prays for my good health and happiness.  I'd like to hope that she has been as well.

Here is the correspondence from Jan...

Thank you so much for your time today, Jennifer.  It’s always so great talking with you.  Below is the update from Ms. Park and I have attached the website advertisement information.  Please let me know if you have any questions at all.

Dear Ms. Dunn,
 Finally I was able to talk to the woman who has the same name as Jennifer's birth mother.   But she was the another person who just has same name and same birth date as Jennifer's birth mother.   She said that she has never lived in Seoul and has not been related with adoption ever.The birth mother's name is quite common for her age group.   She can be the one who has same name and age but I think she is different person.Even though there is the birth mother's name and birth date in the file, it has not been confirmed as the legal document.  And we do not know her ID number.  We feel very sorry to say this but there is no way to locate the birth mother.If she is interested in putting on our website 'finding birth family' section, please let us know. I understand that many young generation in Korea is very good at computer.  But most of the people of  50s and over are not familiat with computer and e-mail.  Also it is very hard to find someone with just the name and birth date through the website.  Hard to explain, but it is big different with USA.  And more idenfied information has been closed these days because of the privacy law. Again I feel sorry to give this news.  I am sure that the birth mother has been praying for Jennifer's good health and happiness.Thanks for your assistance.  

Regards,Park, Yoon-kyungESWS

I won't lie and say that I'm not disappointed.  It HAS been an emotional roller coaster...but it is what it is.  And I guess I just have to be positive about the journey.  I tried.  I don't ever have to wonder.  I tried.  And when my kids start asking me more questions about my past... I can tell them that I don't know everything, but I tried.  And I really do feel like I found my Korean family.  They are maybe not my blood family, but they welcomed me in as if I was.  What more can I ask for?

Soooo...I learned more than I knew before and I know why I was put up for adoption...that was a big win for me to give me some closure on a question I think every adopted kid wonders at some point.

I guess my family legacy begins with me.  I have to make sure that I have a good story for my generations to come.  I have to make them proud of our history and where we came from.  My focus will have to move from the unanswered questions from my past...to ensuring our story...our future is positive and worthy of talking about.

As for the mention of the listing on the Eastern Social Welfare Society website... I will most likely do this. I've been warned that the chances of connection through this are very small, but I guess I feel that it can't hurt.

Dear Jennifer, Please find enclosed the consent form for advertisement.  If you would like to post on Eastern’s website, please complete the form and return it along with a current photo and a photo from your childhood.  Please also send us brief information about yourself that you would like to include in the advertisement.  We will forward the information to Eastern Social Welfare Society.  Please let me know if you have any questions.

 I need to think about what I want to say but like I said...I guess it can't hurt.

Thanks for all the support I've received along the way!  I was truly surprised at how many of you took so much interest.  Some of the people who I thought would read every word didn't and the people who I least expected to followed every step of the way.  Anyways...I'm very touched for those of you that took your time to read and support me.  Truly...I'm thankful for your support and friendship!

Love and Joy,
J

Dead End...

Warning...this post is just for me.  Raw emotions that just need to be typed out in hopes that I can just move on and feel better...

The search for my birth parents has come to a dead end. Korean Adoption Services cannot move forward with the search with the limited information they have.  

For someone who was so unsure of the search to begin with...I'm completely and utterly heartbroken.  This will sound nuts and I know it doesn't make sense...but today is the first time I've ever felt like an orphan.  

I just feel like so many things were coming together and I was getting so many "signs"... that I was very sure that I would find her.  I wasn't sure what I'd do with the information once we found her...but I was sure we would.  Now with it coming to a dead end...I feel very alone.  I know I'm not...but it's just how I feel right now.

My whole life I thought the search was an impossibility...but getting that small bit of information about her and having Dillon wanting to start the search...it gave me hope.  Now I wish I hadn't been given that.  Stings too much to have it swiped away again.

Dear Ms. Dunn,

I received the reply from KAS regarding the birth search for Jennifer Werth.  But it is not good news...  :(

They said that the search is not available for both of birth parents because of limited information.
 

I asked KAS to try to search of the birth mother one more time, just in case.   But please know that the possibility will be very slim.

I might not be able to give you answer before Jennifer's visit.  Anyhow I will let you know as soon as I hear from KAS back.

Is there any contact information(phone number) I can reach her while she is in Korea, just in case?

Thanks for your time.

Park, Yoon-kyung

ESWS

Ms Park at Eastern was very sweet to request KAS (Korean Adoption Services) to try to search one more time...but the results will be the same.  We just don't have enough information.

Ms Dunn told me there are other options, but they are like throwing darts in the air in hopes that they will stick to something.  They include going on a few reality TV shows in Korea of adoptees doing their search, posting a youtube video of my search, and similar things.  I'm not sure how I feel about any of those.  They feel like a shot in the dark with probably similar results.

*sigh*....

Love and Joy,

J


Edit:

I must be going through some type of grief because I drove home so I could crawl in to bed and hide under the covers for a little bit.  And by the time I got home I was so angry at my birth mother.  My thoughts were:  How could a mother give her child away and think nothing of it?  How could she never try to find me or look for me?  Was my birth just a small insignificant mistake that happened in her life and she's moved on with no thought of me?  Why is there not a letter in my file of her searching for me?!

Thankfully my husband is many times my voice of reason before I jump off the deep end and he said the words I needed to hear. He said, "I can understand how upset you are feeling.  But, you know too much to think she didn't care. You know the Korean culture is very different and the shame and guilt that would go along with giving up a child would probably prevent her from starting a search for you.  She could lose her husband...her family if they found out about you had they not already known.  And you are a mother...so you know that she could never forget about you.  She probably went through her own hell after she gave you up and maybe she still lives with it.  We don't know her life circumstances. And you should not give up..."

He's right.

But, I'm still crawling into bed and under my covers...but just for a little bit.