Dead End...

Warning...this post is just for me.  Raw emotions that just need to be typed out in hopes that I can just move on and feel better...

The search for my birth parents has come to a dead end. Korean Adoption Services cannot move forward with the search with the limited information they have.  

For someone who was so unsure of the search to begin with...I'm completely and utterly heartbroken.  This will sound nuts and I know it doesn't make sense...but today is the first time I've ever felt like an orphan.  

I just feel like so many things were coming together and I was getting so many "signs"... that I was very sure that I would find her.  I wasn't sure what I'd do with the information once we found her...but I was sure we would.  Now with it coming to a dead end...I feel very alone.  I know I'm not...but it's just how I feel right now.

My whole life I thought the search was an impossibility...but getting that small bit of information about her and having Dillon wanting to start the search...it gave me hope.  Now I wish I hadn't been given that.  Stings too much to have it swiped away again.

Dear Ms. Dunn,

I received the reply from KAS regarding the birth search for Jennifer Werth.  But it is not good news...  :(

They said that the search is not available for both of birth parents because of limited information.
 

I asked KAS to try to search of the birth mother one more time, just in case.   But please know that the possibility will be very slim.

I might not be able to give you answer before Jennifer's visit.  Anyhow I will let you know as soon as I hear from KAS back.

Is there any contact information(phone number) I can reach her while she is in Korea, just in case?

Thanks for your time.

Park, Yoon-kyung

ESWS

Ms Park at Eastern was very sweet to request KAS (Korean Adoption Services) to try to search one more time...but the results will be the same.  We just don't have enough information.

Ms Dunn told me there are other options, but they are like throwing darts in the air in hopes that they will stick to something.  They include going on a few reality TV shows in Korea of adoptees doing their search, posting a youtube video of my search, and similar things.  I'm not sure how I feel about any of those.  They feel like a shot in the dark with probably similar results.

*sigh*....

Love and Joy,

J


Edit:

I must be going through some type of grief because I drove home so I could crawl in to bed and hide under the covers for a little bit.  And by the time I got home I was so angry at my birth mother.  My thoughts were:  How could a mother give her child away and think nothing of it?  How could she never try to find me or look for me?  Was my birth just a small insignificant mistake that happened in her life and she's moved on with no thought of me?  Why is there not a letter in my file of her searching for me?!

Thankfully my husband is many times my voice of reason before I jump off the deep end and he said the words I needed to hear. He said, "I can understand how upset you are feeling.  But, you know too much to think she didn't care. You know the Korean culture is very different and the shame and guilt that would go along with giving up a child would probably prevent her from starting a search for you.  She could lose her husband...her family if they found out about you had they not already known.  And you are a mother...so you know that she could never forget about you.  She probably went through her own hell after she gave you up and maybe she still lives with it.  We don't know her life circumstances. And you should not give up..."

He's right.

But, I'm still crawling into bed and under my covers...but just for a little bit.