Dear Birth Mother

Dear Birth Mother...where ever you are ---

41 years ago today we were together.  Not for long...but we were together.  It's so hard to believe that there was ever an "us". 

You made a tough decision.

I hope that decision was good for you.

I hope that decision allowed you to find love.  I hope that you had more babies and got to experience the amazing journey of being a Mama.  I hope that you have enjoyed and relished snuggling with your babies.  I hope that you have lived your life without regrets.  I hope you are happy.

...Because your decision was good for me.

I've been loved and have found love.  I've had babies and am so thankful for being a Mama.  I treasure every snuggle I get from my children.  I try hard to live my life without regrets.  And I am happy.

Thank you for giving me my life.  And the amazing life I was rewarded with after your decision.  Where ever you are... I hope you know that I am thankful.  Happy Birthday to "us"...

It was worth a try...

On Jan 9th I received notice that they did indeed send a 2nd telegram to the woman believed to be my birth mother.  They wanted to wait until after the holidays to ensure they didn't cause this woman distress during the holiday season.

Jan called me this afternoon to give me an update that the woman responded to the telegram and spoke with Ms Park.  She is not my birth mother.  This is the end of the road, I'm afraid.  Jan was very kind and told me she wanted to call me personally to tell me this news and to tell me how she knows this journey has been an emotional roller coaster and that she's enjoyed working with me.  She's such a kind woman...and truly she was meant for her job.

Ms Park was very sweet to add a note that she is sure that wherever my birth mother is...she is sure she prays for my good health and happiness.  I'd like to hope that she has been as well.

Here is the correspondence from Jan...

Thank you so much for your time today, Jennifer.  It’s always so great talking with you.  Below is the update from Ms. Park and I have attached the website advertisement information.  Please let me know if you have any questions at all.

Dear Ms. Dunn,
 Finally I was able to talk to the woman who has the same name as Jennifer's birth mother.   But she was the another person who just has same name and same birth date as Jennifer's birth mother.   She said that she has never lived in Seoul and has not been related with adoption ever.The birth mother's name is quite common for her age group.   She can be the one who has same name and age but I think she is different person.Even though there is the birth mother's name and birth date in the file, it has not been confirmed as the legal document.  And we do not know her ID number.  We feel very sorry to say this but there is no way to locate the birth mother.If she is interested in putting on our website 'finding birth family' section, please let us know. I understand that many young generation in Korea is very good at computer.  But most of the people of  50s and over are not familiat with computer and e-mail.  Also it is very hard to find someone with just the name and birth date through the website.  Hard to explain, but it is big different with USA.  And more idenfied information has been closed these days because of the privacy law. Again I feel sorry to give this news.  I am sure that the birth mother has been praying for Jennifer's good health and happiness.Thanks for your assistance.  

Regards,Park, Yoon-kyungESWS

I won't lie and say that I'm not disappointed.  It HAS been an emotional roller coaster...but it is what it is.  And I guess I just have to be positive about the journey.  I tried.  I don't ever have to wonder.  I tried.  And when my kids start asking me more questions about my past... I can tell them that I don't know everything, but I tried.  And I really do feel like I found my Korean family.  They are maybe not my blood family, but they welcomed me in as if I was.  What more can I ask for?

Soooo...I learned more than I knew before and I know why I was put up for adoption...that was a big win for me to give me some closure on a question I think every adopted kid wonders at some point.

I guess my family legacy begins with me.  I have to make sure that I have a good story for my generations to come.  I have to make them proud of our history and where we came from.  My focus will have to move from the unanswered questions from my past...to ensuring our story...our future is positive and worthy of talking about.

As for the mention of the listing on the Eastern Social Welfare Society website... I will most likely do this. I've been warned that the chances of connection through this are very small, but I guess I feel that it can't hurt.

Dear Jennifer, Please find enclosed the consent form for advertisement.  If you would like to post on Eastern’s website, please complete the form and return it along with a current photo and a photo from your childhood.  Please also send us brief information about yourself that you would like to include in the advertisement.  We will forward the information to Eastern Social Welfare Society.  Please let me know if you have any questions.

 I need to think about what I want to say but like I said...I guess it can't hurt.

Thanks for all the support I've received along the way!  I was truly surprised at how many of you took so much interest.  Some of the people who I thought would read every word didn't and the people who I least expected to followed every step of the way.  Anyways...I'm very touched for those of you that took your time to read and support me.  Truly...I'm thankful for your support and friendship!

Love and Joy,
J

There's always another perspective

I am blessed with being surrounded with amazing people.   People that I learn from all the time and I'm very thankful for their presence in my life.

I received this note from a childhood friend of mine and it really touched me.  Not just because of the raw emotion in her note, but because she took the time to share something so personal and knew that it would help me in my own personal journey.  

She gave me permission to share it.  I have eliminated her name to honor her privacy.  I hope that this touches someone else the way it touched me.

• 
  

  I read your beautiful blog post. Happy Gotchya Day! I wanted to send this message privately because it's just for you.

  I AM a birth mother. Not a day goes by that I don't think about my son I placed for adoption over 33 years ago. Each day, I send him light, love, and hope for a happy, fulfilled life. The connection between mother and child is a bond that transcends the laws of the universe.

  About 4 years ago, I had a very vivid dream, just after his 29th birthday. There was a knock at my front door. When I opened the door, there was a young man standing there. He said, "Do you know who I am?" I replied, "Yes, I know who you are." When I woke, I told my husband about this amazing dream. How real it was, and it was my son.

  A few weeks later, I received a letter in the mail from Catholic Charities stating that my son has been looking for me! Since then, it's been an incredible journey. Very emotional as you can imagine. While we haven't yet met face to face, we have communicated through email, FB, and a couple of phone calls over the years.

  I am confident that all will happen in God's time.

  I just wanted to let you know Jenny, that a mother's love is never forgotten and lost. She prays for you, thinks of you, and hopes only for the best life for you....because her love for you will always be connected. She honors your mother and father. She calls the universe to protect you and guide you always. Trust your senses, she may visit you in your dreams.

  Many blessings to you and your family on your journey.

  MY LOVE, M

  
  

  Thank you for sharing this other perspective with me, M!  You are amazing and I so appreciate your note!

  
  

  Love and Joy,

  J

My blood is Kim, but my heart is Bellows.

This blog has primarily been about my journey "home" and the birth parent search that kind of happened in the mix.

But, today I'd like to pay respect and honor the people who are my family. The people who chose me.  The people who have sacrificed for me and the people who have supported me both through my life's celebrations and also my poor decisions.

Happy 39th Adoption Anniversary, John and Bonnie Bellows! 

I can't tell you enough wonderful things about these two people.  

My dad is a balls to the wall get it done kind of man.  He takes Amateur Radio to the next level and is an attorney that I'd never want to face off against in court.  He is the quarterback of debates, a loyal man, and he will stop at nothing to protect his family.  He is passionate about anything he takes on and one of the people I most look up to.

My Mom is one of the kindest women you could come across.  Almost to a fault.  She has the patience of a saint...which is a trait you must have when you marry a Bellows character and teach High School English Lit for as many years as she did.  ;)  She's the kind of grandmother that every kids hopes for and a woman who would care for her sister in her home until her dying day.

You can guess which one I take after most of all... it probably isn't hard to figure out.  But, I know that both of them have helped mold me into the person I am today and I am ever thankful for their love and the life they gave me.  

Beyond that...my extended family (Uncles and Aunts, cousins, my sister) are a mix of a little bit of crazy and a lotta bit of love.  And they've all played a role in who I am today.  I was fortunate enough to have a close knit family and grew up with my cousins...even the ones out of state.  And I am thankful for all of them.

I know that my journey this year has not just been emotional for me...I can imagine it's been emotional for my family is well.  But, hopefully they know that no matter where this search ends and no matter where this journey takes me... My blood is Kim, but my heart is always Bellows.

I love you, Mom and Dad!  Thank you for giving me this wonderful life...

You may think you're the lucky ones, but clearly I was the lucky one. xo

(and Happy Birthday to my little sis, Amy! I love you sweetie!)

(Auntie MJ, Mom, Amy, little me, and Auntie Thea. I'm guessing 1981'ish)

What's a girl to do?

My latest correspondence with the Adoption agency...

Hi Jennifer,

I heard back from Ms. Park below – it sounds like she has not heard anything yet but is thinking of sending another telegram.  I would love your thoughts on whether or not you would like Ms. Park to move forward in sending another telegram.  Please see below:

Dear Ms. Dunn,

Since I have sent the telegram, I haven't heard back any response from the woman who we want to talk.   As you may know that her husband received the telegram from the post man.

I am thinking about to resend it one more time, but am still hesitant.   Because she is married and lives with the family members(at least her husband), I don't want her to make a trouble and need to be very careful to approach.

Thanks.

Park, Yoon-kyung

ESWS

I'm torn.  What do I do?  I really want to see this through, but I don't want to cause this woman any trouble either.

I finally asked what the telegram's typically say. This was the response:

They say something like, ““we are doing work to try to find missing persons.  We think there is someone who may be looking for you.  Please call us at xxx-xxx.”  They list a cell phone number that cannot be traced back to the agency. 

That seems pretty general enough.  This woman should be able to talk her way out of this if she needed to, right?  I mean it almost sounds like a solicitation...like an email from someone in Nigeria who needs help moving money and for your help you'll get a small note of $1,000,000.  ;)

Soooo...what do I do?  I'm leaning on having them send a follow up telegram.

What do you think?

Love and Joy,

J

Here we go again...

I guess this is just a funny reminder of how when you think you have things figured out... life sometimes throws you a curve ball.

I guess the search continues.

I received a note from Jan at Dillon.  As previously mentioned, Ms Park requested that KAS (Korean Adoption Services) do another search on my birth mother with the limited information they have.

Apparently they found a woman matching the name and birthdate and sent her a telegram. The woman's husband signed for the telegram.  (see the update below)

While this update was a surprise for me... my first thought is with this woman.  Whether or not she is my birth mother... I hope the telegram did not create a rift in her life/marriage.  Ironically today I celebrate 14 years of marriage with my husband.  I hope she is in a strong marriage. I've heard too many stories of women who have lost everything when their husbands find out about the unknown child that was adopted out.  Again...this brings shame into a household.  My head is full of questions now.  I wonder if she'll ever even see the telegram.

Dear Ms. Dunn,

As you know that Jennifer visited Eastern on Oct. 8th.  She was with her friend (Korean adoptee) and friend's birth family members.  While Jennifer did the file review, her friend was there as well.  I explained her what has been done regarding the birth search and I told her that I asked KAS to re-try to search the birth mother.

I have received the reply from KAS this week.  I've got the one woman's registered address who has same name and same birth date as the birth mother.  I haven't confirmed yet whether she is the right person who we are looking for since the name is quite common for her age.  At the time of Jennifer's birth, the birth mother lived in Seoul.  But this woman lives in Gyeongsangbuk-do which is more than 3 hours away from Seoul to Southeast.

I have sent the telegram forward to the address I've got from KAS, and the mail man said that the husband received it.  His name is different as the birth father in the file.

I hope the telegram will pass onto the woman who we want to contact and will be able to hear back from her.   I will keep you updated on this.

Thank you.

Regards,

Park, Yoon-kyung

ESWS

I guess the search continues...and we wait.  But, this time my heart is a little more guarded.

Love and Joy,

J

Day 7 - Friday 10/11 (Goodbye Day)

Last night's Karaoke experience was an absolute hoot.  It was so different than American Karaoke.  Olivia had fallen asleep so Noel sent me off with our nephews and Kun-Onni and Kun-Hyunbo.  It was just down the block so we walked.  

When we reached our location we walked up a staircase and I saw strobe lights from a room and you could hear people singing.  I had no idea what I was walking in to.  We walked down a little farther and entered the room.  A small room.  A private small room.  HUH?!  Ya...in Korea you rent your own Karaoke room and sing as many songs as you can within the time frame you pay for.  Ya, I'm not doing this.  LOL!  A gentleman brought us a bunch of Cass (Korean) beer.  I'd better drink up.

Kun-Onni sang first.  She sang a traditional Korean song and sang it beautifully.  I was really enjoying the experience.  Until all of them started on me.  "Jenny-pah...you go!".  Ummmm, No.  Thankfully I'm a good sales person and was able to pass the mic by introducing the next singer after each song.  "Aaaannnd..ladies and gentleman, I am proud to introduce our next singer...JunHoooooooo!".  JunHo sang "I believe I can fly" and actually crushed it.  Minus a few mispronunciations....he sang that song!!

We had a blast.  Brought to you by Cass Beer.  ;)

We got home a little after midnight and stayed up a little longer spending time with each other and laughing.

The next morning both Noel and I found ourselves to be subdued and trying to maintain our emotions.

We enjoyed our last Korean family meal.

We got in a few extra hugs.

And headed out to the airport.

We all walked to the security line before we gave our last hugs and had to say our final goodbyes.  

This is when I lost it.  I child cried.  You know when you can't catch your breath and sob in big heaves.  I tried with all my might not to as I didn't want to embarrass myself or anyone else with this display but I couldn't help it.

It was was so hard to think of leaving this country, the land that gave me life.  And to leave this family, that also gave me so much.  It was just an emotionally draining departure.

 

As I was starting to feel like I was gaining my composure (after through getting through the first security line)...I heard a slew of "Jenny-pah, Jenny-pah" and turned to see our family waving and smiling and Ol-Kay with tears running down her face.  Ugh...I lost it again.  And a few more times on the plane.

This trip...this journey...this week was everything I could hope for and more.  I am so thankful for the things I learned, for the growing I did, for the family I gained, and the friendship that became stronger.

Thank you, Noel, for being an amazing travel-mate and for sharing your family with me.  You are an amazing soul and I am honored to call you my sister!  xo

Love and Joy,
J