Dead End...

Warning...this post is just for me.  Raw emotions that just need to be typed out in hopes that I can just move on and feel better...

The search for my birth parents has come to a dead end. Korean Adoption Services cannot move forward with the search with the limited information they have.  

For someone who was so unsure of the search to begin with...I'm completely and utterly heartbroken.  This will sound nuts and I know it doesn't make sense...but today is the first time I've ever felt like an orphan.  

I just feel like so many things were coming together and I was getting so many "signs"... that I was very sure that I would find her.  I wasn't sure what I'd do with the information once we found her...but I was sure we would.  Now with it coming to a dead end...I feel very alone.  I know I'm not...but it's just how I feel right now.

My whole life I thought the search was an impossibility...but getting that small bit of information about her and having Dillon wanting to start the search...it gave me hope.  Now I wish I hadn't been given that.  Stings too much to have it swiped away again.

Dear Ms. Dunn,

I received the reply from KAS regarding the birth search for Jennifer Werth.  But it is not good news...  :(

They said that the search is not available for both of birth parents because of limited information.
 

I asked KAS to try to search of the birth mother one more time, just in case.   But please know that the possibility will be very slim.

I might not be able to give you answer before Jennifer's visit.  Anyhow I will let you know as soon as I hear from KAS back.

Is there any contact information(phone number) I can reach her while she is in Korea, just in case?

Thanks for your time.

Park, Yoon-kyung

ESWS

Ms Park at Eastern was very sweet to request KAS (Korean Adoption Services) to try to search one more time...but the results will be the same.  We just don't have enough information.

Ms Dunn told me there are other options, but they are like throwing darts in the air in hopes that they will stick to something.  They include going on a few reality TV shows in Korea of adoptees doing their search, posting a youtube video of my search, and similar things.  I'm not sure how I feel about any of those.  They feel like a shot in the dark with probably similar results.

*sigh*....

Love and Joy,

J


Edit:

I must be going through some type of grief because I drove home so I could crawl in to bed and hide under the covers for a little bit.  And by the time I got home I was so angry at my birth mother.  My thoughts were:  How could a mother give her child away and think nothing of it?  How could she never try to find me or look for me?  Was my birth just a small insignificant mistake that happened in her life and she's moved on with no thought of me?  Why is there not a letter in my file of her searching for me?!

Thankfully my husband is many times my voice of reason before I jump off the deep end and he said the words I needed to hear. He said, "I can understand how upset you are feeling.  But, you know too much to think she didn't care. You know the Korean culture is very different and the shame and guilt that would go along with giving up a child would probably prevent her from starting a search for you.  She could lose her husband...her family if they found out about you had they not already known.  And you are a mother...so you know that she could never forget about you.  She probably went through her own hell after she gave you up and maybe she still lives with it.  We don't know her life circumstances. And you should not give up..."

He's right.

But, I'm still crawling into bed and under my covers...but just for a little bit.

7 days...

7 Days =  168 hours
7 Days = 10,080 minutes
7 Days = 604,80 seconds

7 Days can go by in a blink of an eye.  

In 7 days I'll be entering the journey I've dreamed of for as long as I can remember.  I'm going home to the "motherland".  I'll be touching the ground from which I came.  I'll be surrounded by faces that look like mine.  I'll get a small taste of what my life would have been like had not fate brought me here. It really is the journey of a lifetime for me.

...and yet, I CAN wait.

Because though in 7 days I'll be starting this journey... I'll only be there for 7 days.  So, I want to enjoy each second.  Each minute.  Each hour...until then.  In hopes that my 7 days in Seoul will go slowly and fill my heart with good experiences, wonderful tastes, new knowledge, and memories that will satisfy my soul until I can return again.

Thank you to everyone who has supported me through the past few months.  It really has meant so much to me and I don't say that lightly.  Really...THANK YOU!

Brad ordered my Won for me this week.  He ordered two times what I asked him to order.  He knows me so well.  ;)

Won is South Korea's currency.  Currently it converts like this:

I'm a Wonillionaire.  Don't hate.  At least until world domination is mine.  ;)

7 Days...please take your time...

Love and Joy,
J

How to be a Korean Woman

Within days of finding out the updates of my Korean adoption file, my friend told me that "How to be a Korean Woman" was playing at the Guthrie.  It felt like so many things were telling me to continue with this search.  

Last night Brad and I met my friend (and Korea travel-mate), Noel, and her husband for dinner and the one woman play.

(Noel and I at the Guthrie)

The play was amazing and spoke to me immediately.  I started crying within 30 seconds of it starting.  Perhaps it resonated with me because of where I am in this search process.

The actress, Sun Mee Chomet, goes through her experience of searching, finding, and meeting her birth family...and what happens afterwards.  And after the 85 minute play we saw a special screening of a documentary film, Going Home, of another adoptee (Jason Hoffman) and his experience with the same. His documentary brought you along on the ride of actually meeting his birth mother and birth sister...it was beyond emotionally exhausting.  My eyes are still swollen.  The flood gates that I've tried to hard to protect and keep at bay have now been opened.  Oh boy.

It was so interesting though, because so much of what they said and felt are feelings that I share.  You know...it's so easy to feel overwhelmed and alone...but in most cases we aren't.  There is someone else that feels that way or is going through the same questions about their life.

Both of them talked about the overwhelming feeling of wanting to meet their birth mom especially...and just wanting to see their face (a face that looks like your own) and to have some answers.  And both of their journeys reminded me of how there is a person at the end of this story...at the end of the journey...that has their own story and pain.  There is a mother who gave their child up for adoption and had to live with the shame and guilt ...and heartache of giving away their baby.  There were mothers who cried for months unable to move past their grief.  It made my heart ache in a different way.

Both of them also talked about how this experience isn't over.  Even after meeting their birth mothers...the journey is not over.  And sometimes left them feeling more lonely than ever because meeting them didn't necessarily resolve anything.  There is still a long history of distance between basically two strangers who only know each other through a delivery experience and blood.

But in that sense...I am blessed.  

No matter where this journey leads and what happens...I have the support, love, and need from a family that loves me.  And I have this man...who though he can't understand the range of emotions that envelopes me now... he supports me through it and holds me closely when I need it.

Yes, I am blessed.

I leave 11 days from now... I hope I'm ready for this...

Love and Joy,

J

Happy Chuseok (Korean Thanksgiving)!

Today is a huge holiday for Koreans. 

I'm sorry I will be missing this experience by just a few weeks, but I think the Korean wedding we will be attending for Noel's niece will more than make up for it. 

We leave 2 weeks from tomorrow! It's so hard to believe that this trip is really going to happen. I've got a lot to do until then...but very excited for the experience. 

Here is some information about Chuseok.  The traditional Korean dresses (Hanbok) are what we will be renting for the wedding. :)

Love and Joy,

-J

Chuseok (추석) is the biggest and most important holiday in Korea. Family members from near and far come together to share food and stories and to give thanks to their ancestors for the abundant harvest. Chuseok Day falls on September 19 in 2013, but the holiday is observed for a total of three days (September 18 – 20). Fortunately, this year’s Chuseok holidays fall from Wednesday through Friday, giving making it a five-day holiday in total. Many Koreans will visit the homes of their families to spend quality time together. The holidays provide a good opportunity to enjoy traditional cultural experiences. Let’s take a closer look at Chuseok, a traditional Korean holiday.

 The meaning of Chuseok (Hangawi)

Chuseok is one of Korea’s three major holidays, along with Seollal (New Year’s Day) and Dano (the 5th day of the 5th month of the lunar year) and is also referred to as Hangawi (한가위). Han means “big” and gawi means “the ides of August/Autumn” (August 15th according to the lunar calendar is when the full harvest moon appears). Hangawi/Chuseok was the day on which Koreans, an agrarian people throughout most of history, gave thanks to their ancestors for the year’s harvest, and shared their abundance with family and friends. 
Although the exact origin of Chuseok is unclear, the tradition may be found at ancient religious practices that centered around the moon. The sun’s presence was considered routine, but the full moon that came once a month was considered a special and meaningful event. Therefore, harvest festivities took place on the day of the bright, full moon or August 15 on the lunar calendar system.

 Chuseok Customs

On the morning of Chuseok Day, foods prepared with the year’s fresh harvest are set out to give thanks to ancestors through Charye (ancestor memorial service). After Charye, families visit their ancestors’ graves and engage in Beolcho, a ritual of clearing the weeds that may have grown up over the burial mound. After dusk, families and friends take walks and gaze at the beauty of the full harvest moon or play folk games such as Ganggangsullae (Korean circle dance).

Gifts

Gift giving is very much a part of the Korean culture, so in preparation for my trip I've got to consider my friend's family who we will be staying with, a few people at Eastern (the President and my case worker, Ms Park), a few translators who will help my friend and I communicate with her non-English speaking family, and some just extras.  All in all...about 10 women and 10 men.

I've got 3 weeks until my trip (Oh my gosh!), work travel in between, and I don't like waiting until the last minute...so my new fellow adoptee friend, Kari, was nice enough to join me at the Mall of America for some gift shopping last weekend.  In my head I thought this cannot be that difficult.  WRONG!  It's very hard to shop within a manageable budget for people whom you have not met.  Perhaps if I wasn't a borderline perfectionist freak it wouldn't have been so hard...but we spent 4 hours shopping and I got the women done and a 4 year old boy. I still have 9 men to go.  My original idea was to get different things for everyone, but that quickly became very daunting so I settled with similar gifts for all the women.  As for the men...ARGH.  And this is all coming from a woman who generally likes to shop.  So, the search continues for my men gifts.  Stay tuned on that front.

Other than that... my emotions are suddenly catching up to me.

I brought my parents up to speed last weekend on all that I've learned over the past month.  They were very supportive about everything.  It could have been the fact that I started crying (seriously?!), but my dad said it best... It is very natural for anyone to want to find out more about their roots.  They are amazing people and I am so blessed that we found each other.  Many things had to happen for us to become a family and I am very lucky that they all transpired and we were chosen for each other.

I met my travel-mate (and friend), Noel, yesterday for lunch.  It was good to catch up and to talk about her experiences in Korea (she's been over multiple times since her birth family found her).  I'm a relatively emotional person, but I'm not really a crier.  I find it embarrassing to cry...even in front of my family.  Now, if I hit any emotion to an extreme...my first reaction is to cry, but I still hate it.  Yet, Noel said something at lunch and I really had to work hard to not start to cry.  What is happening to me?!  ARGH...I think I'd better pack lots of Kleenex.

Not much else to report.  I got my meeting at Eastern moved up to Tuesday (rather than Thursday) to give me a few extra days to process any new information I may learn while over there.  Since my appointment is at 10am, we will probably plan a touristy day in Seoul that day.  I'm really looking forward to seeing the sites.  

The next 3 weeks will fly by...I'll be in CO for 4 days next week and in IL for 3 the following week.  Lots to do still before I leave.  If anyone has seen what I pack for a 3 day work trip...it's going to be interesting how packing for this week abroad will be like.  Good lawd.  But, I've been warned to pack light.  And I don't have my work or real husband around to carry my luggage, so I should probably heed that advice since I'll be lugging it myself.  Oh boy!  ;)

Love and Joy,
J

Ancestry.com results are in...I should have had a V8!

Perhaps my expectations were too high, but I guess I thought my $99 was going to break down my ethnicity for me.  It's advertised like that.  I never questioned being Asian...I just want to know from which Asian decent(s).  

Super bummed.

I guess I'll never know if I'm mixed (and what with) unless we find my birth mother.  The chances of that are so incredibly low.

This was a question that I really wanted answers for.  Did I mention I'm super bummed?  Seriously?!... 100% East Asian?!  AAARRRRRRRGGGH! 

On a happier note...I leave for Korea 4 weeks from today :)

Move along...nothing to see here :)

Nothing new to report.

Ancestry.com received my DNA for the ethnicity review on August 22nd, 2013.  They said results take 6-8 weeks.  My friend who recently used the service got his results in about 4, so we'll see.  I'm anxious to see what the results are.  It might give me some insight on what nationality my birth father was... I'm actually more excited to get this information back than I am on the actual search.

Dillon International received all of my search documents and sent them to Korea on August 27th.  I may get a brief update this week, but it is unlikely that I'll get any information so soon.  The search can take many many months to many years.  As I have said before...I'm really ok with that.  It gives me time to figure out what I'll do with the information if a connection is made.

I'm having dinner with my parents this weekend and will bring them up to speed on everything that I've learned and about the search.  I really wanted to wait and not bother them with this until/unless we found someone, but I also didn't want them to find out from someone else.  Keeping a blog about this journey isn't exactly keeping it hush hush.  :)  Though they have always been very open and supportive about my adoption...I am their daughter and I can only imagine that there will be some feelings of insecurity.  I need to put any potential fears to rest.  They are my parents.  They are my family.  Period.  

In other news... I leave for Korea in 30 days!  Wow...

Have a great week!

-J