Sisterhood

There is kind of an unspoken bond between adoptees. It's hard to explain but it's just a secret understanding of a lifetime full of ranges of emotion.  And while we are not all in agreement about how we feel about our adoptions...there is still a very unique bond.

I'll be honest... Friday was a completely overwhelming day for me.  I wasn't sure how to process everything.  My lifelong question of "Why" was finally answered...and the woman who gave birth to me suddenly became a person.  With a name!  And to top all of that off... Dillon (adoption agency) and Eastern were "eager" to begin the search for her.  I still don't know how I feel about the search.  I just figure I have time to figure it out...and the likelihood of finding her is so slim that it may never be something I need to deal with.

The paperwork to begin the search was quite in depth, including a questionnaire asking me to give explanation of what I would do and how I would feel on many deep questions, including:  What would you do if you found out your mother was raped?  What if your birth parents were found but they did not want to meet you?  What if your birth parents are dead?  What if you have siblings?  And then they ask you to write a letter to your birth parents. My gosh. That was a tough letter to write. Again... I'm still very unsure of how I feel about all of this. I muddled through the letter and basically decided to thank them for giving me the opportunity for the wonderful life I've led so far. And told them of the happy childhood I had and the love I've been given from a generous couple. I told them of the beautiful family I have created and the love and support that surrounds from family and friends all over the world. That letter will most likely never reach them... But if it does, hopefully I can put any guilt or shame at rest for them. 

Dillon provided me with several references of people who have been through the search process and I noticed one was a woman, Kari, from MN.  With Brad's encouragement I sent her a note. I was surprised to get a relatively quick and lengthy response just a few hours later. She was so open in her response that I felt immediately comforted by her and within a few more emails we decided to meet for dinner on Saturday. 

Dinner was incredible. From the minute we sat down to an extended talk in the empty parking lot... There wasn't a moment of silence. We chatted like old friends that couldn't wait to catch up for our 5 1/2 hour dinner! Our conversation was a flurry of thoughts, questions, and similarities from one adoptee to another. We talked about our families, our childhoods, our children, our supporters... And of our biggest common bond... we talked about Korea. Kari, thank you so much for your willingness to share your story with me. I know I've made a new lifelong friend... A Seoul sista from another mista. ;)

Needless to say my mind was racing again trying to digest it all. It has been such an intensely emotionally charged last few days. Somehow I've kept my composure. Probably for the simple fear that if I allow myself to cry... I'm not sure I'll know how to stop. I think once I've had a little more time to digest it all, some peace will come from within. 

What happens now? Nothing. Eastern starts their search. I continue to live my life and prepare for my big trip. I'm generally a "need to know" person and usually struggle with being patient, but in this case... The unknown is familiar and comfortable for me. So I'll just embrace the unknown for now. Korean social culture is still very traditional and old school and wrapped in shame and guilt. In the small chance that they find my birth mother, she will have hopefully found love and created a family. And if they don't know about my existence, it is very likely that she will keep it that way out of shame. How will I feel if that is the case? I have no freaking clue. So again... I will just embrace the warm blanket of the unknown where no tough decisions need to be made and there are no hurt feelings.

Thanks to all of you that are supporting me through this journey. It means so much to me to have people who not only take interest in my crazy world, but care. I hope you are ready for this emotional journey. I'm not even sure if I am! :)

Love and joy,

J

Welcome to my new "home"

I feel like sharing this new discovery process and journey back to the "motherland" justified a new site.

Welcome!  And thank you for joining me on this interesting and exciting ride!

Another day...another detail

Since facebook has become a way of life and I've returned to working outside of the home...it seems to be much easier and quicker rather than blogging my families' silly antics.

Until now.

I'm relatively an open book and tend to usually wear my feelings on my sleeve.  You know when I'm happy and you definitely know when I'm mad, but sometimes emotions are inexplicable.

As some of you know, I am making the trip of a lifetime in October.  I am going back to the place that I was adopted from for the first time.  It's been #1 on my bucket list and something that I've wanted to do for as long as I can remember.  I'm going to Seoul, Korea October 4th through the 11th.

I can't tell you how I excited I am for this upcoming journey and experience.  I'm going with my friend (Noel) who is a fellow Korean adoptee and reunited with her birth family many years ago.  We'll be staying with some of her Korean family members and as luck would have it...we will be attending her niece's wedding the weekend we arrive!  Talk about immersing yourself into the Korean culture!

As this trip has been planned it has increased my curiosity to find out about my past.  When you are adopted...you really lose a chunk of your history.  Imagine not having baby pictures or having stories of your first smile, your first word, your first step...you get the picture.  I was 21 months when I came over and really knew very little about my life in Korea.  And so my journey to fill in the gaps started.

Feel free to join me in this exploration of my past...this is how it began...

I received a copy of my adoption file at the end of January from Catholic Charities.  While I didn't learn a lot...it was an interesting read.  I was "abandoned" at a midwives clinic at a few days old.  The term abandonment in our society has a very different connotation, a negative one.  In Korea, abandoning a baby in a safe place was seen as the socially responsible and loving thing to do.  The evaluations throughout my file had similar notations:  that "she seems to be a mixed-blood child with double eyelids and dark complexion".  This was actually comforting for me to read because I've had people question me being Korean my while life.  Everyone has their own opinions on what I'm mixed with.

My file didn't have a lot surprises and very little new details, but it was something that I could hold.  A little piece of my history.

Life got busy and because my file didn't have many details in it...I just stopped thinking of it really.

Fast forward to this month (August 2013)... my trip plans started to come together and we finally booked our tickets last week.  No turning back now!  It's really shaping up to be an amazing trip.  :)

Anyways, I reached out to my contact at Dillon International (Jan) and let her know that my trip was scheduled for early October.  She recommended I visit their Eastern Division in Seoul and review my Korean file.  In the 70's adoption details were deemed sensitive and therefore many times details were not shared in their entirety to the US adoption files.  I was intrigued and agreed to have her set up a meeting with Eastern.  

Yesterday morning I received an email that changed the game...
Jan emailed me and said she was surprised to learn some new information upon Eastern's review of my Korean file and could she call me.  This piqued my interest.  She called me within a minute of my response with my cell phone number.  This is what I learned...

Thanks so much for the last minute call, Jennifer!  Here is the information from Ms. Park at Eastern: Dear Ms. Dunn, The orphanage(#233-103 Changwi-dong, Sungbuk-gu, Seoul) you mentioned is one of the previous babies' homes we run before we have moved to current location.   Mrs. Paik, Young Sook was the director of babies' home at that time.  It means that address is not the orphanage any more.    The maternity home(Midwife's clinic) where she was found is closed now.  I think this is the place where she was born.  There is no way to find the midwife who referred the adoption on behalf of the birth mother back in 1973.   The midwife's name was Lee, Soon Ae.  According to the record written by intake worker, she could only met the midwife not the birth mother because the birh mother already left the maternity home when intake worker visited there.  The birth mother said to the midwife that she was unable to raise the baby.  The birth mother went into someone's home and worked as housemaid at that time.  Also she said that the birth father was in the military and told her not to meet any more.  She was 23 years old and the birth father was 25 years old.   The birth mother left the relinquishment paper at the maternity home and the midwife passed it onto us. There is little information about the birth mother such as her name and birth date but not ID number.  And there is no legal document of hers in the file.  That means her idenfied information was not confirmed.  If she is interested in initiating search the birth mother, we are eager to do it.  Would you tell her to visit Eastern on Thursday, Oct. 10 at 10am?  Thank you.

I went into this search not knowing what to expect.  I guess I thought any small details of my life in Korea would be interesting.  It is so rare for a Korean adoptee to be reunited with their family.  Apparently less than 10% who search will find their birth parents.  And given that my US file said I was abandoned and there was no indication of who my parents were...it wasn't even a thought that I'd considered to find them. But most of all, I never expected to get the answer of the question I've lived with always. Why did my parents put me up for adoption?  I know now.  My father turned my mother away, she was young, and was a housemaid with little money.  She had no means to care for me.  I always wanted to think that they did this out of love...and she did. She hoped for a better life for me.  And she gave me just that.  I couldn't have asked for a more loving and wonderful family!

The decision to move forward with the search to find my birth parents was a quick one.  It even surprised myself because I've really had little desire to do this.  But, I'm moving forward. My expectations are low, but I feel like now is the time to do this and should we find no more details... I have the answer my heart needed.

What happens if we find them or her?  I don't know.  I'm still trying to digest the details of yesterday.  One day and detail at a time...

My paperwork has been filled out and is being submitted today.  Who know what tomorrow brings...