I'll be honest... Friday was a completely overwhelming day for me. I wasn't sure how to process everything. My lifelong question of "Why" was finally answered...and the woman who gave birth to me suddenly became a person. With a name! And to top all of that off... Dillon (adoption agency) and Eastern were "eager" to begin the search for her. I still don't know how I feel about the search. I just figure I have time to figure it out...and the likelihood of finding her is so slim that it may never be something I need to deal with.
The paperwork to begin the search was quite in depth, including a questionnaire asking me to give explanation of what I would do and how I would feel on many deep questions, including: What would you do if you found out your mother was raped? What if your birth parents were found but they did not want to meet you? What if your birth parents are dead? What if you have siblings? And then they ask you to write a letter to your birth parents. My gosh. That was a tough letter to write. Again... I'm still very unsure of how I feel about all of this. I muddled through the letter and basically decided to thank them for giving me the opportunity for the wonderful life I've led so far. And told them of the happy childhood I had and the love I've been given from a generous couple. I told them of the beautiful family I have created and the love and support that surrounds from family and friends all over the world. That letter will most likely never reach them... But if it does, hopefully I can put any guilt or shame at rest for them.
Dillon provided me with several references of people who have been through the search process and I noticed one was a woman, Kari, from MN. With Brad's encouragement I sent her a note. I was surprised to get a relatively quick and lengthy response just a few hours later. She was so open in her response that I felt immediately comforted by her and within a few more emails we decided to meet for dinner on Saturday.
Dinner was incredible. From the minute we sat down to an extended talk in the empty parking lot... There wasn't a moment of silence. We chatted like old friends that couldn't wait to catch up for our 5 1/2 hour dinner! Our conversation was a flurry of thoughts, questions, and similarities from one adoptee to another. We talked about our families, our childhoods, our children, our supporters... And of our biggest common bond... we talked about Korea. Kari, thank you so much for your willingness to share your story with me. I know I've made a new lifelong friend... A Seoul sista from another mista. ;)
Needless to say my mind was racing again trying to digest it all. It has been such an intensely emotionally charged last few days. Somehow I've kept my composure. Probably for the simple fear that if I allow myself to cry... I'm not sure I'll know how to stop. I think once I've had a little more time to digest it all, some peace will come from within.
What happens now? Nothing. Eastern starts their search. I continue to live my life and prepare for my big trip. I'm generally a "need to know" person and usually struggle with being patient, but in this case... The unknown is familiar and comfortable for me. So I'll just embrace the unknown for now. Korean social culture is still very traditional and old school and wrapped in shame and guilt. In the small chance that they find my birth mother, she will have hopefully found love and created a family. And if they don't know about my existence, it is very likely that she will keep it that way out of shame. How will I feel if that is the case? I have no freaking clue. So again... I will just embrace the warm blanket of the unknown where no tough decisions need to be made and there are no hurt feelings.
Thanks to all of you that are supporting me through this journey. It means so much to me to have people who not only take interest in my crazy world, but care. I hope you are ready for this emotional journey. I'm not even sure if I am! :)
Love and joy,
J
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